


The End of All Things

by Phanarchy



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-27
Updated: 2018-05-27
Packaged: 2019-05-14 10:39:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 10,719
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14768033
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Phanarchy/pseuds/Phanarchy
Summary: Phil announces to Dan that he has hired a matchmaker and is getting married. The way Dan copes with the news sends their lives in a whole new direction.





	1. The End of All Things

**Author's Note:**

> This work was originally posted to my Tumblr beginning Jan 3rd, 2017. If you'd like to give it some notes, the masterpost can be found [here!](https://phanarchy.tumblr.com/post/171308530323/the-end-of-all-things-masterpost)
> 
> You can also follow me at [phanarchy!](https://phanarchy.tumblr.com)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phil has something to tell Dan- he’s getting married. How will Dan cope?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This work was originally posted to my Tumblr beginning Jan 3rd, 2017. If you'd like to give it some notes, the masterpost can be found [here!](https://phanarchy.tumblr.com/post/171308530323/the-end-of-all-things-masterpost)
> 
> You can also follow me at [phanarchy!](https://phanarchy.tumblr.com)

_**2019** _

“Dan, I need to talk to you,” Phil said solemnly. The tone in his voice surprised Dan, and if he were being quite honest, scared him.

“Can it wait until after we film PINOF 10?” Dan asked. He was hesitant to have the conversation, whatever it may be. Phil considered his request briefly.

“Yeah, I suppose it could. It may be better this way,” he responded. It was ambiguous, and vague, and it was the worst sort of tease. The kind where you knew it was bad, but you had to know now, or the anxious curiosity would burn at your throat until you found out.

“Well, nevermind,” Dan said. “Now I need to hear it. Shoot.” He braced himself as Phil sat on the sofa, angling himself towards Dan.

“So, you know how I turned 32 this year, and how we’ve been doing this for 10 years now, and we’ve been so caught up in each other and our channels and the tour, we’ve never really had time to date and stuff, right?” Phil was rambling, and Dan had no idea where it was headed.

“Uh huh, go on..”

“Dan, I joined a dating site.” Phil was nearly cringing in anticipation of Dan’s reaction. Dan just laughed.

“What, like you’re on Tinder now?” He chuckled, relief on his face. “I mean, may be a bit risky what with all the Phangirls, but you do you.” He turned away and stood to leave when Phil grabbed at his hand and kept him in place.

“No, it’s not like Tinder. Sit, please.” Phil now covered his face with his free hand, sliding it down while exhaling. He wondered the best way to explain. “It’s not really a normal dating site. It’s more like, a professional matchmaker. For people serious about meeting someone and getting married soon. Dan, they found someone for me.” The seriousness of the situation hit Dan again like a train.

“You’re, you’re getting married?” he asked.

“Probably, yeah. I haven’t met her in person yet, but we’ve chatted, and she’s really nice. I like her.”

“Phil, this sounds like an arranged marriage, doesn’t it? I mean,” panic was setting into his voice now. Panic and some other, undefined feeling that had his breathing shallow and his stomach in knots. “Phil, wouldn’t you rather marry someone you know? Someone you really enjoy spending time with? Someone you love?”

“Well, I sure as hell am not marrying you now, am I?” There was a bitterness to his voice that was entirely foreign to each of them, and their eyes welled as their throats closed.

Adding to all that, Dan was also confused. Why was he feeling so desperate? And what exactly was he desperate for? It’s not as if he and Phil had anything going on. They haven’t been the least bit romantic since- Well, since-

_**2009** _

The two had just finished shooting PINOF 1. Well, most of it. They were now laying on the floor next to Phil’s bed, after Phil pounced on Dan. Phil ran his hand through Dan’s thick hair, brushing it off of his face. He leaned down and smiled, that fuckboy smile that occasionally graced his videos and made Dan weak. Phil closed his eyes as he kissed Dan, breathing him in as deeply as possible, tongue gliding over his lips.

Dan pulled back though, as far as he could for someone whose head was against the floor. Phil stopped, looking into his eyes.

“Something wrong?” he asked.

“I just,” Dan started. “It’s just that I don’t think I’m ready for this. I like you, and you’re really turning me on right now..”

“But,” Phil interrupted.

“…but I’ve never felt like this about a guy, and I’m really confused.”

Phil sat upright, knowing that the moment was over. He faced away from Dan so he wouldn’t see the shine in his eyes, threatening to spill over and give him away.

“Phil, I think we should be friends until I figure myself out. Because you’re my best friend already and I really don’t want to hurt you and I don’t want to lose you. Maybe that’s selfish, but-”

“You’re not gonna lose me,” he said quickly. He cleared his throat. “And it doesn’t hurt that much, I’ll be fine. Friends first, right?” Phil smiled at him the best he could. Dan smiled back.

“Friends first.”

_**2019** _

“So, what’s her name again? I don’t want to mess it up and come off like a douche.”

“Dan, relax. Sarah will love you.”

He was meeting Phil’s- girlfriend? Betrothed? Fiancée? Ugh. He was meeting Sarah today. Phil had made it official, and now she wanted to meet his Best Man. Dan was honored, of course, to accept the position, but something about it still felt bitter-sweet.

He thought it must be the thought of Phil moving out, leaving Dan alone in the flat. They’d still be friends, no doubt. But Dan knew that Phil and Sarah would probably move to a house on the outskirts of London, and get a dog, and maybe have a baby, and he would be stuck alone. Yeah, that must be it. He feared the loneliness.

Yet, when Sarah entered Starbucks and Phil instantly got up to hug her hello, Dan felt that same undefined sting he felt the day Phil told him about her. His stomach was so tight and all he wanted to do was tear the two apart. He wanted to pull him away. Why?

“Dan, Sarah. Sarah, Dan,” Phil said, snapping Dan out of his day dream.

“It’s so great to meet you!” she said. “I’d say ‘finally’ but truth be told, it’s all happened so quickly!” She was sweet, and had the same innocent glow about her that attracted, no drew, rather, Dan to Phil. Dan reached out to shake her hand.

“It has, hasn’t it?” It came off more snarky than he meant it. Almost judgemental.

“Well, let’s have a seat, you both. Get chatting, I’ll order. Caramel machiatto for Dan, Sarah, what’s your drink?”

“I’ll have a cappuccino, thanks!” When Phil turned away, Sarah spoke to Dan. “Strange he knows your order, but not mine,” she laughed.

“Not really that strange,” Dan quipped. “We’ve been friends for ten years. Flatmates for seven. We know almost all there is to know about each other.”

Sarah leaned in, as if they were close friends, before asking, “Anything you should warn me about him then?” Her eyes sparkled and like that, she was easy to talk to, to be friends with. Sarah was lovely.

“Well, he steals cereal, so you’d better hide it if you want to know you’ll safely have yours in the morning,” he said. “Then again, you both will probably share cereal.”

Phil returned with the drinks and set them all down in front of each of them.

“Pleased to see you’re getting along,” Phil said.

“So, I guess we may as well get on with it and tell you the big news!” Sarah spoke for herself and Phil. It felt wrong to Dan.

“Big news?” he asked.

“We have a date picked out. December 28th!” A date. They had a date picked out. The pang that had been in his chest all morning intensified at the thought of Phil with her, deciding on a date for their wedding. Yet he had to stay cool.

“Next year? That sounds good.”

“No, this year. In 3 weeks,” Phil retorted. He looked at Dan seriously, assessing his reaction.

“3 weeks? Are you kidding me?” Suddenly the walls were closing in on him. His shallow breathing sped up and he thought he may vomit by the knot in his stomach, the pin pricks in his finger tips. He stood up, tugging at his collar in an attempt to let some of that damn sweat evaporate. “I need to go.” Phil stood up as well.

“Dan?”

“I’m sorry Phil, Sarah, I need to go, now.” And he bolted out the door, leaving the bell chiming behind him. He ran until he was out of breath, which in truth was not very long, given his history with exercise and his current state of mind. He sank to the pavement as the tears came, for the first time since he’d been told, he cried over Phil’s impending marriage. And now that it was happening, he wondered why he hadn’t cried sooner. Because now, he finally understood.

He loved him. He had always loved him. And now he was marrying someone else.

_**Two Weeks Until the Wedding** _

Dan entered the living room to find Phil scribbling in a journal, something he hadn’t done since that failed New Year’s Resolution of 2013.

“What’s that about?” Dan asked him.

“It’s something Sarah does and she told me I should try it. She says it’ll help me sort out my feelings since this is all happening so quickly.”

“Oh,” Dan replied. “Is it working?”

“Yeah, I think so,” he smiled at him softly, in a way that said I know this is hard, be patient, it’ll all work out.

Phil stood up and entered his bedroom, coming out soon after.

“I’m going to the shop. Want anything?”

“Nah, I’m set. Thanks, Phil.”

When the door shut behind him, the emptiness sank in. The flat was not the same without Phil’s shimmer and glow. The air left Dan’s chest and even though he was breathing, it still felt like he was suffocating. Then he thought of the journal, hiding all of Phil’s thoughts on the matter, lurking not 10 meters away from him. He knew he shouldn’t, but a strange void had overtaken him lately and Dan would do anything in his power to end this. He had felt like this before, but not since September, 2009.

He entered Phil’s room, nearly floating, and checked the most obvious place he could think of, Phil’s bedside table drawer. And the journal was in there, of course, since Phil wouldn’t hide it. He was so trusting. Dan flipped through the pages quickly, unsure what he was looking for until he caught a glance of his own name.

Dan is taking it pretty hard, I think. He tries to be positive in front of me, and in front of Sarah, but I can see it in his eyes, even when he smiles and laughs. And if that doesn’t give it away there’s the fact that he literally ran out of Starbucks when we told him when we were getting married.

Wow, I’m getting married to Sarah. It’s so strange how your whole future can change in an instant. There was a time, and it didn’t seem too long ago, that I thought I wouldn’t marry anyone if it wasn’t Dan.

Dan froze, re-reading the line a full six times before he was certain he interpreted it correctly. Phil had wanted to marry him. Or at least, didn’t want to marry anyone else. But, it was all in past tense.  
He continued-

Of course, Dan has never felt that way and that’s fine, because I have Sarah now. And she’s really amazing. I never thought I could feel excited to get to know someone again. It’s like, well, it’s like falling in love.

Dan snapped the journal shut and the icy, heavy feeling returned to his heart. He nearly threw it back in the drawer when he saw a tiny velvet box. He knew what this meant, it would be a wedding band. Part of him ached at the thought that he hadn’t seen it before. That Phil wouldn’t have shown him the ring he got for Sarah. But maybe he was doing his best not to rub it in his face. Dan shouldn’t have looked.

But inside the tiny box was a silver ring. It had a thick band, and a small black stone in it. It was a men’s ring, must be Phil’s. And it was beautiful. Not really Phil’s style, Dan thought, but then again, how would Sarah even know?

Dan returned to the living room just in time for Phil to come around the corner.

“Malteasers?” Phil said as he tossed the bag in Dan’s lap. Dan sniffed back his tears before answering.

“Thank you.”

_**One Week Until the Wedding** _

Dan was walking through the kitchen when the thought occurred to him. It was so sudden, out of the blue. And then he was acting on it, and he hadn’t thought it through at all, really. He just knew it was what he wanted and he was about 99% sure Phil wouldn’t really mind so he went with it.

He stepped up to Phil, who was sitting on the sofa, laptop in lap, mug of coffee in hand. Dan took the mug from him and set it on the table wordlessly.

“Dan?” Phil asked. Dan slid his laptop off his lap and onto the sofa beside him. He grabbed Phil by the hands and stood him up.

Phil looked at him quizzically. Then Dan leaned into him, his face embarrassingly close. He waited a moment, and Phil did not pull back. The heat of his breath so near to him, Dan closed the gap and pressed his lips to Phil’s. In an instant, they were kissing. Phil was kissing him back and Dan wrapped his arm around his waist, curled his fingers into the hair at the nape of his neck. Phil grabbed him by the hips gently.

Dan separated them when he felt his jeans getting tighter around his groin. Best to avoid that embarrassment.

“What was that?” Phil asked.

“I just,” Dan hadn’t even thought about how he’d explain it afterwards. “I just wanted to do that. You know, once. If it’s my last chance.”

Their breathing was shallow again, but filled with a new kind of anticipation.

“If it’s your last chance?” Phil repeated.

“Well, not like I can stop the wedding,” Dan replied.

“You can’t stop the wedding?” Phil was confused, and his words weren’t making sense. To him or to Dan. Rather than fight him on it, Dan just nodded and left the room. He wanted to leave the kiss exactly how it was, untainted by explanations of feelings and worries about what is to come. He had kissed Phil for the second, and last, time.

_**December 28th, 2019** _

“Phil, I’ve been working on something I want to show you.”

“Dan, what is it? You’re gonna make me late to my own wedding,” he chided, knowing that procrastination and tardiness was an ongoing joke between them.

“You’ll like this, I swear. And I made sure you have time. We’re already dressed and everything.”

Just come in here, he gestured towards his bedroom. Phil entered and Dan followed behind him, sitting down at the piano.

“Aren’t surprise performances usually done at the reception?” Phil laughed.

“I thought you’d prefer this one be more private.”

Dan didn’t wait for his reaction before striking the first few chords. The melody was slow, and beautiful, and full of passion. Phil recognized the song, though he couldn’t identify it until Dan began to sing.

“Whether near or far, I am always yours. Any change in time, we are young again.”

Phil brought his hands to his mouth as Dan continued. His voice was not perfect, and slightly off-key, but his it was every bit as passionate as the piano.

“In these coming years, many things will change, but the way I feel, will remain the same.”

Phil began crying openly.

“Lay us down, we’re in love.” Dan choked up at that line, but he made it through. And as he finished the last notes and let them ring out, Phil grasped him around the neck from behind and sobbed into his neck. Dan stood to face him.

“It’s okay, Phil,” he said. “I just wanted you to know.” But Dan’s acceptance was met with a needy kiss from Phil. He twisted his fingers in Dan’s hair. Dan shuddered against him. It was unexpected and he was left with his confidence shaken. He was prepared to sing his song, make his piece, and let Phil go. But how could he let go of this? He wrapped his best friend, his love, in a tight hug and began crying again himself.

“Don’t go,” Dan said. “I don’t want you to go.”

“I’m not going,” Phil cried. “We’re in love.”


	2. When the Day Met the Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan successfully stopped Phil’s wedding, but what happens when Dan finds out that not everything is as Phil said it is? Where does their relationship go from there?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This work was originally posted to my Tumblr beginning Jan 3rd, 2017. If you'd like to give it some notes, the masterpost can be found [here!](https://phanarchy.tumblr.com/post/171308530323/the-end-of-all-things-masterpost)
> 
> You can also follow me at [phanarchy!](https://phanarchy.tumblr.com)

_**December 28th, 2019 -11:15am** _

“I’m not going,” Phil cried. “We’re in love.”

Dan looked up from Phil’s shoulder where he had been sobbing, looking him in the eye for the first time all morning. Did he really just say he was skipping out on his own wedding? Dan sniffled.

“What?” he asked.

“Dan, I’m not going. Not after that. You just told me you love me, that was all I needed.” Phil drew him close to his body. Dan let tears run openly, in relief, in happiness, he couldn’t be sure. But Phil was with him and everything would be okay. He breathed him in, slowly, shuddering as he exhaled. Phil, in the meantime, was beaming, smile pulled tightly across his face. It calmed Dan enough to think again. To realize what this meant.

“Phil, what about Sarah? I mean, I know you’ve only known her a short while, but she’s such a lovely person, how will we-” Dan stopped mid-sentence when he noticed the shift in Phil’s face. It distinctly shifted to a sly grin.

“Trust me, Sarah won’t mind,” he said.

“She won’t mind? Phil, your wedding is today! Of course the bride is going to mind being stood up at the-”

“Dan, it was an act!” Dan’s heart dropped.

“An act?”

“Yeah, she’s an actress, a YouTuber, actually.” Phil went on, not noticing the change in the atmosphere. “I hired her to pretend we were getting married so that you would finally come around and realize your feelings for me.” He nearly laughed until he saw Dan turn away, ripping at that stupid bow tie that just would not come undone.

“Dan?”

“You lied to me, Phil.” Dan had thrown his tuxedo jacket haphazardly on his floor. “You fucking lied. I’ve been walking around like a zombie for weeks!”

“Dan, I-” Phil reached out for him but he tore his hand away.

“It hurt so fucking much, Phil. To see you marrying someone else,” he choked out. His breathing was erratic and his vision narrowed in the corners of his eyes. “Get out of my room.”

Phil had never, not once in seven years, been kicked out of Dan’s room. And the reason made him angry right back.

“Oh, I hurt you, so now I can’t be around you? Dan you hurt me, every single day, for ten years. Ever since 2009, I’ve been hurting, and still I let you in.”

“I didn’t do that on purpose!” Dan argued. “It’s not my damned fault I didn’t know I was attracted to men. It’s not my fault I didn’t accept that part of me until now. But you, you hurt me on purpose, to prove your freaking point! And you sat around watching it happen. You watched me suffer at your own hand, and you did nothing to stop it.” Dan was pacing the room intensely, shuffling things about without reason. Every object he set back down collided with a loud thud. “You know what? I said get out. Get out now!”

As Phil backed out the door, Dan slammed it behind him. Dan sank to the ground, and all Phil could hear from the other side was a loud crash and gentle sobbing.

_**December 28th, 2019 -3:30pm** _

Phil gently tapped his knuckles against Dan’s bedroom door. He hadn’t heard a sound from the room in two and a half hours, and he was genuinely worried. He twisted the door handle and found it unlocked, pushing it open hesitantly. He found Dan in bed, sound asleep. Dan had managed to get only his dress shirt off before collapsing on the bed, he slept with shoes and tuxedo pants still constraining him. He must have been so exhausted, Phil thought, so much had changed in an instant.

Quietly he approached him, hoping for some kind of sign that he was okay. He sat on the bed behind Dan, debating whether to wake him or to take his shoes off for him and let him rest. After a thoughtful moment, Phil resolutely rubbed Dan’s back, barely rolling him back and forth.

“Dan,” he whispered. “I need to talk to you.”

“Ugh,” Dan groaned. He looked up at Phil with a peaceful smile. And then he was awake, and he pulled away from his touch.

Phil backed off.

“I’m sorry,” he said. “I’m sorry, and you’re right, and I’m so sorry.” Dan ignored his apology.

“What would you have even done? If I hadn’t spilled my guts out to you in the form of a Panic! at the Disco song?”

“If you didn’t stop it by the time the priest said ‘forever hold their peace’ my plan was to run out and pretend like I had cold feet because it was so sudden. I mean, hardly anyone would be there to explain it to, anyway. And you were the only one-” Phil hesitated. “You were the only person who thought it was real.”

“Great, so now on top of that I’m also the laughing stock.”

“No one is laughing at you, Dan.” Phil curled his fingers through his own hair. “If anything I’d say I’m the laughing stock, having to fake an engagement and a wedding to get my best friend of ten years to admit he was in love with me.” He gave a weak smile.

“Yeah, that’s pretty pathetic,” Dan joked. He gave a half-hearted laugh.  
A moment passed by where Dan didn’t try so hard to keep his distance.

“Are we gonna be okay?” Phil asked.

“I think we’re going to be. After some time,” Dan said. “As I said, many things will change, but the way I feel will remain the same.” He was mocking himself for his newfound loyalty. A low chuckled escaped his throat and surprised them both. Phil ran his hand along Dan’s arm and pressed a kiss to his forehead.

“I’ll let you think things out if you need space,” Phil said, moving to leave.

“No, stay here.” Dan leaned in further and rested his head on Phil’s shoulder.

_**January 1st, 2020** _

“You know what I just realized?” Dan asked Phil, setting their ribenas down beside the laptop on the table.

“What?” Phil asked before taking a sip.

“I saw your journal, that day that you went out to the shop and I was alone. I read the journal, and it even said you were marrying Sarah!” Dan was laughing, they had reached a point where he could talk about it without getting upset.

“Yeah,” Phil started, an apologetic tone in his voice again. “I wrote that hoping you’d find it. I had to really act it out because I didn’t know what would be the tipping point that would convince you. I had to pretend like you were going to lose me, so I couldn’t tell you straight out that I liked you. But I also needed to give you a hint that you had a chance.” Phil nudged Dan with his elbow, nearly spilling the red drink on his white shirt. Dan just laughed again.

“So, we’re really sure about this? This is how and when we tell the fans? Right now?”

“Right now,” Phil said. They smiled a wicked, conspiring smile at one another.

“There is going to be so many people watching,” Dan said. “Last time we announced a joint live show, the fans went crazy wondering what it could be about.”

“Yeah, well this time some of them will be right.”

Dan hit the button on the YouNow website. They were streaming live in front of hundreds of thousands.

“Hey guys,” Phil said, arm in the air waving like in his videos.

“Hello,” Dan said, slightly awkwardly beside him. “So, this is going to be a really short one. And I’ll just say sorry in advance to any fans that miss it live.”

“But,” Phil continued. “We’re sure that everyone will get a chance to see it anyway because there should be plenty of you recording.”

Dan winked, giving the hint for people to turn on their recording software. “I mean, you bunch of stalkers!” He feigned annoyance, but smiled brightly, anticipation burning in his chest.

The two paused to read chat, just for a moment. The theories of what this will be about were already pouring in. Dan looked Phil in the eyes, not doing anything to hide his “Heart Eyes Howell” persona anymore.

“Now, Phil?” he asked.

“Now,” he said simply.

And with that, Phil wrapped his hand around the back of Dan’s neck, cradling it gently as he pulled him in for a kiss. They left the camera rolling, pointing directly at them, but ignored the computer as the chat exploded in a flurry of “I knew it!”s and “OMG”s. They focused on one another’s kiss, the way their lips tasted, and on the feeling in their chest that seemed to pull them even closer like gravity. With Dan’s hand on Phil’s face, rubbing a line from his jawline to ear and back, they relished in the thought that now, after today, they wouldn’t have to hide. From their fans or from each other, not anymore.

They broke their kiss and looked each other in the eye for just a moment longer before looking back to the camera. Dan laughed and smiled widely.

“Well, bye!” Dan said as he flipped the laptop screen closed.

“You cheeky bastard,” Phil said.

“You love it,” he replied.

“I really do.”

_**April, 2021** _

“I can’t believe it took us this long to finally go back to Japan!” Phil exclaimed as the plane descended. 

“Yeah, I know, stupid us, right?” He joked, but his hand gripped the armrest tentatively. In all these years of travel, he still never got over his fear during take off and landing. Phil noticed his anxiety and laughed at him.

“What?” Dan asked. “It’s totally reasonable to be scared when you’re in a multi-hundred ton metal tube hurdling through the sky.” Phil just laughed again and took Dan’s hand in his own.

When they arrived at the hotel, Dan quickly began changing into lounge pants.

“Wait, Dan. Don’t get too comfy yet,” Phil said. Dan groaned.

“Why not?”

“Because I planned a date for us. You’ll want to look nice.”

“A date? Tonight?” he asked. “Phil we just got in and it’s been a long flight and I just want to scroll Tumblr and eat.”

“There will be food there, and Tumblr will be waiting when you get back,” Phil said. “I promise you won’t regret it.” Dan sighed and began to put on his nicest trousers instead.

They arrived at a little restaurant. It was totally empty, but fairy lights graced the entrance and glowed from the inside. A hostess waited at the front door. Behind the building, a garden of cherry blossoms were in full bloom.

“Phil, did you rent out the whole restaurant?”

“Yes,” he said. Dan laughed and Phil along with him. “What?! It’s special. I thought you’d like it!”

“I do, I swear.” He looked at Phil the same way he always does, as if all the stars could be found behind his eyes.

Inside the restaurant was a single table, graced with candles and cloth napkins. They sat as their waiter immediately brought out their first course. A pianist and violinist played a duet in the corner. Dan couldn’t help but laugh again, but this time with tears in the corners of his eyes.

“This is too much,” he said.

“No it’s not,” Phil replied.

Once they had finished their chocolate molten lava cakes, Phil smiled widely, with a mix of excitement and nerves in his eyes.

“Do you wanna go for a walk?” he asked.

Phil led Dan to the back exit of the restaurant and into the garden. The sun was setting behind the trees, a mix of purples and oranges streaking the sky providing a stunning background to the pink flowers. They arrived at what seemed to be the center of the garden, a beautiful fountain in front of them, and cherry blossoms in every direction. There, Phil stopped in his tracks. Turning Dan to face him and taking both of his hands.

“Dan, I never thought I could be happier than I was in the ten years we were friends, but I was wrong,” Phil began. “I have been exponentially happier still, in the sixteen months since you’ve been my boyfriend.”

Phil reached into his pocket and pulled out a familiar velvet box. Dan’s eyes grew wide, finally understanding what this was all about. Phil bent down to one knee.

“I can’t imagine how much happier I would be if you’d be my husband, but I want to spend every day of the rest of my life trying to make you feel that way too.” Phil opened the box to show a thick silver band with black stones. “Daniel James Howell, will you marry me?” Dan’s smile grew even wider then as he shook his head rapidly up and down.

“Phil Lester!” He shouted, “Yes, you spork!” Phil smiled and his tongue peaked out between his teeth as he slid the ring on Dan’s finger. They embraced, and Dan took a closer at the ring on his left hand.

“Phil,” he chuckled. “Wasn’t this your ring from your fake wedding with Sarah?”

“Oh my god,” Phil said. “You saw it?!”

“You left it in the drawer with your journal, are you re-gifting me an engagement ring?” He asked light-heartedly, too happy to really care if that was the truth or not.

“No! It was always yours. I guess I forgot you’d be looking for the journal. It was always for you.”

“We weren’t even dating yet and you’d bought me an engagement ring!” He was curled over in laughter. “Wow, so desperate.” He nudged Phil’s chest with the back of his hand.

“Hey!” Phil said. “I went to extreme and pathetic measures to get you, I wasn’t about to do that if I wasn’t serious from the start!” Dan just smiled and leaned his head down on Phil’s shoulder.

“Well, I’m really glad you did,” he said, wrapping his arms around his new fiancé’s waist.

_**August, 2022** _

“With the powers vested in me, by the internet,” PJ said, winking at the audience in the pews and directly into the camera in the aisle, catching it all in high definition for future YouTube release. “I now pronounce you husband and husband.” PJ laughed at the phrase, but still choked up at the thought. “You may kiss.”

And they did. They kissed softly and sweetly, and with so much tenderness they hardly heard the thunderous applause. They backtracked through the aisle hand in hand, as their guests showered them with rice and purple confetti.

The couple entered an enormous reception hall draped with white chiffon and lavender uplighting, all their guests awaiting their arrival after the photo shoot.

“I’ll get you champagne,” Dan said, kissing the side of his head as Phil sat at the table facing the stage. The speeches came in a blur. PJ and Chris together, said “We knew it all along.” Louise wished them well. Cat raised her glass with tears in her eyes as she said, “take care of one another, because you both mean so much to me.” Phil’s mom, “I couldn’t have asked for a better son-in-law.”

Then Phil got on stage, to Dan’s surprise. He didn’t expect any speech from him.

“I’ll keep this short,” Phil began. “As many of you know, this is not my first wedding.” The audience was silent. “What? Still too soon, really?” Dan laughed out loud at that, giving Phil the space to continue. “A couple of years ago, Dan and I weren’t together, and I had this crazy stupid scheme to change that. And despite it being crazy stupid, it worked! As we were heading for my pretend wedding, which Dan truly believed was real, he stopped me and played the piano, and sang me a song to say goodbye.” Dan’s face grew bright red in embarrassment, he looked around to find everyone staring, so he waved with a tight smile.

“Today I’ve asked the original artist to play that song for our first dance, so please welcome, Brendon Urie from Panic! at the Disco!” Phil gestured to the side of the stage as Brendon Urie appeared and ran up to the microphone. The crowd was speechless.

“Hello everyone,” Brendon said as he took the microphone from Phil. Phil walked down across the dance floor and offered a hand to Dan. “This song is usually called The End of All Things, but tonight, for this performance only, we’re going to call it The Beginning of All Things.” He sat down at the piano and wasted no time striking the first few chords.

Dan took Phil’s hand as he played and was led to the dance floor.

“Whether near of far, I am always yours.”

Phil wrapped his right hand around Dan’s waist and guided Dan’s hand to his chest. They stepped in close, and side to side together.

“In these coming years, many things will change, but the way I feel will remain the same.”

Phil pushed Dan’s head gently until they were dancing cheek to cheek. Dan sniffled. “Are you crying?” Phil whispered. “No,” Dan answered. “Not quite.”

“We’re in love. Lay us down, we’re in love.” They continued their slow spinning, in their own little world, until the last chord finished out and they separated just enough to clap. Then they kissed again.

“Now, please welcome on stage, the rest of Panic! to finish out the evening,” Brendon said and the crowd erupted.

Dan led Phil to the cake table, subtly wiping his eyes. “Now, when do we get to cut this thing, because I am starving.”

“The entrees come first,” Phil said.

“Wow, so mature of you now Phil. But I want cake,” Dan insisted. The band played the beginning to another familiar song. It was upbeat and catchy.

“When the moon fell in love with the sun, all was golden in the sky. All was golden when the day met the night.”

The dance floor flooded with all their best friends and family, dancing in possibly the silliest looking ways. It was bouncy, and fun.

“So he said, ‘Would it be alright, if we just sat and talked for a little while, if in exchange for your time, I give you this smile?’“

Phil smiled at Dan, and Dan smiled back, understanding that in this case, Phil was the moon and he was the sun. And it was summer, and Phil would never leave him.


	3. Northern Downpour

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan and Phil have been married for a little while now, and they have a big decision to make, regarding becoming parents. (Parent!Phan)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This work was originally posted to my Tumblr beginning Jan 3rd, 2017. If you'd like to give it some notes, the masterpost can be found [here!](https://phanarchy.tumblr.com/post/171308530323/the-end-of-all-things-masterpost)
> 
> You can also follow me at [phanarchy!](https://phanarchy.tumblr.com)

Phil sipped his ribena as he thought carefully. He wondered how best to phrase the suggestion. Of course, he knew Dan would be a fan of the idea. He just wanted the way he asked to be special. Of course, that was probably not going to happen as he hadn’t planned anything out, yet he couldn’t wait another moment to say it.

“So, uh, you wanna be dads?” he blurted. Dan choked on his spaghetti from across the table, laughing and smiling all the while.

“You’re serious?” he asked. 

“Yeah, of course,” Phil said. “I want to raise a child with you. No better time than the present, right?” Dan was grinning ear to ear. He set his fork down completely, preparing to have this conversation.

“I mean, yes. _Hell_ yes,” Dan said. “Let’s see, options.”

“Adoption, or surrogacy,” Phil reminded. He had his fingers up in the air, counting their choices. His eyes had lit up.

“Oh, with surrogacy we could be involved from the very beginning.”

“And that way we could even be related to it, you know, biologically.” He made a vague hand gesture that was mildly suggestive. Dan laughed and put his face in one hand.

“They could have your blue eyes, Phil.” Dan was getting excited at the thought.

“Or your curly hair,” he offered. Dan giggled, arms splayed out on the table.

“We should use your sperm. You’ve got the better DNA, for sure,” he suggested playfully.

“Not true!” Phil argued. “You’re way better looking and everyone knows it!”

“Our fans would disagree with that for sure. Besides, we shouldn’t choose our child’s DNA based on looks! You’ve got the intelligence, Mr. Master’s degree, that’s what it will need in life.”

“Hey, you got more subscribers than me with your good looks and amazing humor than I ever got for my degree in Video Post-Production!”

They both stopped there, laughing outrageously.

“Well, we’re not making progress on that question,” Phil chimed in. “So, the next is, who will actually carry the child?”

“We need someone we know, and trust, obviously,” Dan was now in problem-solving mode.

“Maybe another YouTuber, in case we want to share it.”

“And someone who has had a child before, so they’re a bit more experienced and comfortable.”

They shared a knowing look. Their needs narrowed it down to just one person, and Phil nodded at Dan, reading his mind. They needed Louise.

As the waiter set their drinks down, Louise eyed Dan and Phil suspiciously from across the table.

“Okay, so you two haven’t treated me to dinner since just after your engagement, so you’ve got something to tell me again today. Spill,” Louise said. They had little choice but to respond to her bluntness with bluntness of their own.

“Well,” Dan said. “We’ve decided we’re ready to have a baby!” He let that thought sink into her mind, watching her eyes light up and her smile shine the way it always does when she is proud of them.

“Congratulations guys! Oh my god!” she said.

“Thanks,” Phil began. “We’ve decided that surrogacy is right for us. Now, the only thing left is we need to find a surrogate mother..” he trailed off.  
Louise was hesitant to respond.

“And you guys want me?” she said. They couldn’t quite read her expression yet. They hung on her every word as if their future hung in the balance. Well, it did. “I’d be honored,” she finally let out. She stood up to embrace them. They rose to their feet in time.

“Are you serious?” Dan asked, not believing it could be so easy. The three formed an awkward hugging triangle.

“Of course!” she said. “I’m one of those weird and fortunate women who loved being pregnant! Just one question though,” they pulled away briefly. “I won’t have to have sex with either of you, right?”

“Oh god, no. Nothing like that,” Phil said.

“Wait,” Dan said. “You said yes before you knew the answer to that question.”

“Let’s not read too deeply into that,” Louise said.

On the day of their consultation with the obstetrician, Dan and Phil could hardly contain themselves. They had been giggling to one another the entire train ride over. Now, sat in the waiting room, they were hardly any better.

“If we use your sperm, maybe they will get your blue eyes,” Dan suggested.

“And what if I happen to like your brown eyes?” Phil asked. “Brown eyes are in now, I’m telling you.”

“Howell-Lesters?” The nurse stood waiting for them, clipboard in hand, doing her best to not seem impatient. They stood together, and rasping each others’ hands, stepped forward through the door.

The nerves hit them only then, like a sudden ocean wave crashing down on them. It may be exciting, but they’re still here to see a doctor, and with that comes the potential for bad news.

“Hello, hello,” the doctor said cheerfully. “I’m Doctor Singe, you can call me Claire.” She was friendly, and bubbly, and her presence did all it could to relax the men. “I hear you’re looking to become fathers!” They smiled to each other fondly, this being the first time they’ve heard the word father, in referencing them. (Well, truth be told, it wasn’t. But they don’t talk about the way their fans use it.)

“Yes, ma’am,” Phil said. “I mean doctor, I mean,” ah yes, there were the nerves.

“Claire is fine,” she laughed. “Anyway, if you don’t mind, I’ll just rattle off a bit about how the procedure normally goes. Stop me when you have questions, okay?” They nodded dutifully.

“Perfect, so what we ask is that you return the cups we give you at the end of this visit with your samples within the week. We will keep it for you until your chosen surrogate is ready-”

“Wait,” Dan interrupted already. “Samples? Why from both of us?”

“Well, we need those to make your baby, silly,” she chuckled again, obviously enamored. That’s when it first dawned on them that she was a fan. “Oh wait, you are here for the newer procedure, right? Oh dear, I’ve mixed you up with other patients. You two elected traditional surrogacy, correct? Where only one of you will be genetically related to your baby?”

“Yes, but maybe you have some advice for us on that part, see, we haven’t yet decided who should-” Phil said, before Dan interrupted.

“Hush Phil,” he turned to Claire. “What do you mean ‘elected’? We have other options?”

“Oh, yes,” she begins casually. “We have a new procedure where we are able to produce biological children from two males. I’ll save you the details, but basically we extract the split DNA from your sperm and connect it in an egg cell from a donor whose DNA has been removed. It’s much like regular sexual reproduction, only the DNA is from two males instead of one male and one female.” At the end of her little speech, Dan and Phil looked dumbfounded. They glanced at one another, then back to Claire, then back to each others’ eyes, their faces slack-jawed.

“You can do that?” Phil asked, finally.

“Oh yes,” she said. “Interested?” she cocked an eyebrow at them. Dan nodded at Phil resolutely, and they both nodded for her to continue. 

“So, risks and benefits. First, there is a slightly higher risk of miscarriage, but of course I would have to warn you regardless of the method you chose that with surrogacy is always fairly high-risk for miscarriage.” They gripped hands beneath the desk. “But, there hasn’t been a connection to any problems in a full-term pregnancy, so that is a huge plus. Benefits, you both get to be biologically related to the child.” She gauged their reactions briefly. As the first tear fell from Dan’s eyes, quickly followed by Phil laughing while wiping his away, Claire spoke again. “I think we’ve made a decision then.”

It was only three months later that Louise was successfully pregnant, and Dan and Phil’s child was growing in her. Which was weird, of course. But it was also pretty freaking cool. Months after that, they decided not to learn the sex of the baby yet. Gender roles could wait until after it could walk, if not longer. They painted the nursery with Winnie the Pooh, the mural on the wall reciting a classic line from A. A. Milne. No, they decided against the “you’re braver than you believe” line, and instead chose, “Some people care too much. I think it’s called love.”

Louise’s pregnancy went by fast for the pair, as it often does for the people who aren’t actually pregnant. Soon enough, they were rushing to the hospital after receiving the anxiously awaited phone call that she was in labor.

Phil paced the waiting room for all four hours, not even Dan’s presence could calm his excitement. That was probably because Dan was also pacing out of worry. Then Claire entered, a smile on her face. They raised their heads in unison.

“Would you like to meet your daughter?”

It was two months later and Emmy Louise Howell-Lester just would not go to sleep. They had fed her, burped her, rocked her, changed her nappy, and tried playing peek-a-boo, which only upset her more. She was still crying. By now it was 3am.

“Phil, I just don’t know what to do for her!” Dan was nearing tears. “She’s upset and I can’t do anything about it, I’m such a bad father.”

“Dan, relax, she’s just a colic-y baby!” Phil took her in his arms and she hushed for just a moment, before continuing to wail in his ears. Dan took the opportunity to wipe at his eyes and collect himself.

“Well, she definitely gets this from me,” he said. “I’m going to put on Spotify, maybe some relaxing music will help some.” He plugged the laptop into the Pooh Bear speaker and hit play on low volume. Gentle guitar started as Northern Downpour began.

“If all our life is but a dream-” the music played. Phil bouncing Emmy lightly to the beat, finding his rhythm had improved some since the first stage show. Her cries lulled into a whine.

“Drooping eyes and flooded lungs, a northern downpour sends its love,” Brendon Urie’s voice cooed. Dan pouted at his daughter, running his hand softly over her hair as she curled into his husband.

“Hey moon, please forget to fall down,” Phil began to sing along. Emmy whimpered slightly and quieted down. Dan glowed as he looked his husband in the eye and joined in, “Hey moon, don’t you go down. Sugar cane in the easy morning, weather vanes my one and lonely.”

Phil spun slowly with his little girl in his arms, smiling all the while as she just barely grinned. He looked to Dan as he heard him sing, “I missed your skin when you were east.”

“You clicked your heels and wished for me,” Phil retorted. Dan held his arms out and took Emmy. She nuzzled into his neck and shut her eyes.

“I know the world’s a broken bone,” he sang softly. “But melt your headaches, call it home.” As the chorus repeated, Phil turned the volume lower. They sang in a round. Dan began.

“Sugar cane in the easy morning. Weather vanes my one and lonely.” Dan sang.

“Hey moon, don’t forget to fall down. Hey moon, don’t you go down.” Phil added.

“Sugar cane in the easy morning. Weather vanes my one and lonely.” 

“You are at the top of my lungs. Drawn to the ones who never yawn.”

The music faded out. Phil kissed the top of Emmy’s head, and looking up kissed Dan as well, slow and intimately, as if telling him how proud he was of all they had done together.

Dan set Emmy in her bassinet, and gently rocked it as she squirmed just a bit, then drifted off to sleep.


	4. Always

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan and Phil have been raising their daughter Emmy Louise perfectly well for a few years now, but then she’s thrown into the spotlight. What will happen when Dan and Phil can’t agree on how to protect her? (Parent!Phan)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This work was originally posted to my Tumblr beginning Jan 3rd, 2017. If you'd like to give it some notes, the masterpost can be found [here!](https://phanarchy.tumblr.com/post/171308530323/the-end-of-all-things-masterpost)
> 
> You can also follow me at [phanarchy!](https://phanarchy.tumblr.com)

Dan gazed fondly as Emmy ran up to Phil and lifted her arms up high.

“You can say it. Use your words,” Phil said gently, putting the wooden spoon down and stepping away from the sauce pot on the stove.

“Up!” Emmy cheered in a small voice. Phil smiled at her and lifted her to his waist, resting her on his cocked-out hip and letting her look into the spaghetti sauce. He kept a hesitant watch, being sure no bubbles popped at her.

“Remember Emmy,” Dan called from his seat at the table. “After dinner it’s play time, and then we’ll tuck you into bed. Then if you need something you have to go to daddy because I’ll be working, okay?”

Emmy took a second to process it all, and then nodded. “Okay, Dad.” Dan grinned widely. She’d only just learned how to put together sentences, and even though it was a short one, he couldn’t imagine being more proud.

Phil lifted Emmy off his hip and set her down on the floor. “Now run along and play, this is almost done.” Emmy ran off, and Phil smiled at Dan, “How did I get so lucky?”

“Well, she’s half you,” Dan replied.

“Yeah, she’s also half you,” he said. “Which is a good thing. I just realized that made it sound like that’d make her worse, but I think that’s why she’s so great.”

Dan stood up and crossed the room to meet his husband, wrapping his arms around his waist and pulling him close. “You know, I’m pretty lucky myself.” He kissed him softly, letting himself feel it in his chest.

Dan closed his copy of “House at Pooh Corner” and peeked above it to see Emmy had fallen fast asleep. Phil looked down at his watch.

“Time for your live show?” he asked.

“Yeah, I’ll be cutting it close,” Dan replied. “I’ll meet you in bed in an hour.” Dan winked, only half joking.

They took turn kissing Emmy on the head, and grasped hands as they left her room, holding on for as long as they could while parting directions.

Dan entered the office and, browser already open to YouNow, hit the “Go Live” button.

“Hi guys!” he chuckled. “‘You look like shit’ someone says.” He laughs again. “I do look like shit! Thanks for pointing it out chat! I’ve just had a long day. Parent life, you know. But she’s asleep now, so shhh..” he raised one finger to his lips hushing the computer, which was of course silent anyway.

Dan watched as chat exploded. He expected it, of course. Any time he mentioned Phil, or Emmy. Frustratingly enough, it was as if the relationship between the three of them were what people cared about more than anything. As if their actual accomplishments were meaningless because they had love. Some days he appreciated it, other days like today, it was a bit annoying. He had plenty of experience hiding that though.

“No, I’m not going to get Emmy,” he said as he continued scrolling. “She needs sleep. Trying to get her on a consistent schedule, of course. Don’t want her ending up like me. And Phil needs his shower, so no him for now either, I’m afraid. You’ll have to deal with just me. On my live show.”

He tapped his lip with his thumb, wondering what else he could talk about. He realized at that moment that he didn’t do much apart from care for Emmy Louise anymore. Not that he was a particularly active person before, but he made videos more often back when she was a baby and he didn’t worry about her running into shot while filming, and needing to start over.

“No, I haven’t seen the newest Game of Thrones episode,” he answered, still mindlessly reading the screen, answering any questions he could find that didn’t center on his daughter or husband. “I could tell you all about Baby Einstein though.” He laughed. Truth be told, he actually enjoyed watching it with her.

Just then, Dan heard little footsteps coming up behind him. And crying.

“Dad dad dad dad,” Emmy said, hiccuping as she cried. Dan turned to find Emmy sobbing behind him, blanky in hand and sucking her thumb with tears streaming down her face. He immediately got out of his chair and knelt down in front of her.

“What happened?” he asked and opened his arms wide. She threw herself into them and buried her head in his neck.

“Bad dream,” she mumbled, sniffling hard.

“It’s okay sweetie, they’re not real.” He picked her up and sat with her in his chair, her back facing the camera, so at the very least she wasn’t totally exposed. He pulled her back a bit to look her in the eyes. He wiped the thick mop of wavy brown hair from her face and looked into her blue eyes. “You know what grandma told me about bad dreams? She said once you tell someone about them, they don’t come back anymore. So you’re safe with me now. You can fall back asleep here.” He pushed her head gently back onto his shoulder, and leaned back in his chair. “But Dad’s still working, so I’m gonna talk to these guys too,” he said. “Sorry about this,” he said, shaking his head and rolling his eyes, but also smiling. “Realities of parenthood.” He rocked her back to sleep.

“Dan, have you seen Tumblr yet this morning?” Phil asked, sipping his coffee slowly.  
Dan sighed from the other side of the sofa. “Of course,” he said. He peeked behind his laptop screen. Emmy was there on the floor, playing with her blocks. Dan knew he had to be careful about what to say around her.

“I’m sorry,” Phil said. “I thought she’d be asleep longer. I wouldn’t have showered if I knew she’d have a nightmare.”

“Phil, that’s alright. I just worry, you know?” He kept scrolling through the website, and of course their tags were full of their daughter’s face. He reached his hand up to stroke over his face, contemplating what to do next.

Most of the pictures and comments were nice, sure. Some of them, not so much. One troublesome user had already turned Emmy’s sobbing face into a reaction meme. He’d found it being used a couple times outside of the fandom. People who didn’t even know who they were or where it came from were now spreading her image like wild fire.

“She didn’t ask for this,” Dan said quietly.

“I know, Dan.” Phil reached for his husband’s hand, and looked at him with the deepest level of concern Dan had ever seen on him.

“We have to do something,” Dan said. Phil squeezed his hand in reply.

Hours passed, and once they had successfully dropped Emmy Louise off with her god mother Louise, they were ready to have this conversation uninhibited.

“Phil, we can’t subject her to this,” Dan started. “I don’t know how we thought we could avoid it, but it’s starting way earlier than I would have expected. She’s a baby still, really.”

“I know Dan, but I don’t know how to avoid it any better than we have been. For the most part, things have been good. I think it’ll all blow over. Give it a week or two,” Phil said.

“Yeah, this will blow over, but what about next time?” Dan was beginning to raise his voice at Phil, the anxiety of it all causing him to feel angry with Phil for not being just as upset as he was. “Will she deal with this shit her whole life?”

“No, of course not,” Phil said automatically.

“What do you mean, ‘Of course not’? How can you possibly guarantee that?”

Dan stood up from where he was sitting across from Phil. He began to pace, and ran his fingers through his hair, puffing the front up into a quiff.

“Dan, calm down. We’ll figure something out,” Phil attempted to reassure him.

“What if she’s picked on in school because of us?” Dan asked. He stopped and looked Phil directly in the eye. “For having two dads who are practically famous for being two nerds on the internet.”

“If she’s picked on, she’ll grow into a very strong little girl. That happens sometimes, Dan. We can’t prevent anything bad from ever happening to her,” Phil said. His voice was firm now. He was getting mad now too, because for some reason, everything Dan said sounded like placing blame on him.

“Shouldn’t we at least fucking try? Damn, I know you had friends in school, and that got you through it, but I was picked on, and I went through school alone. I hated myself. I don’t ever want Emmy to go through that.”

Phil stood right in front of Dan and, without realizing it, puffed his chest out. “Neither do I, so what do you suggest we do about it?!” Phil shouted.

“I think we should stop,” Dan said resolutely. Phil stopped in his tracks. Dan was motionless. He let it sink in. “I think we should quit.”

“What?” he yelled, totally shocked. “No way in hell! Quit YouTube over some trolls posting pictures? When has that ever stopped us before?!” Phil threw his arms up in the air. 

“Phil, this is our daughter!” Dan screamed. “Don’t you get that?! It’s not about us anymore!” Dan turned and kicked the coffee table. His foot collided with it with a loud bang. Pain shot up through his leg, but he was too angry to let it show. Instead, it just made him want to hit more things. He clenched his fists by his sides.

Phil slammed his hand against the wall, desperate to get the upper hand in the conversation somehow. “Yeah, and what will that show her? That you should run and hide from the things we’re afraid of? Is that what we should teach her?”

“It would show her that we love her, and that we’re good fathers,” he spat.

“Oh, so if I disagree I’m not a good father. Is that what this is?” Phil accused. “I don’t love her?”

Dan quieted at that. “That’s not what I said, Phil.”

“It’s not what you said, but it’s what you meant. How dare you,” Phil said. “How fucking dare you.” His voice was low, husky. He stomped out of the room and up the stairs, into their shared bedroom. Dan followed behind him.

“What are you doing?” he asked, nervously.

“Packing,” Phil said. He threw a handful of shirts from the closet into his luggage, hangers and all. Dan stood completely still, watching his every movement.

“Where are you going?” he asked.

“My parents,” he said simply. He turned to the drawers and pulled out a few pairs of jeans. Now Dan was angry again.

“Oh sure, so it’s not okay to run and hide to protect our daughter from potential crazy people, but it’s okay to run and hide at mummy’s and daddy’s because you can’t get through an argument with your husband? Great message, Phil.” The sarcasm was dripping from his voice. Behind it all, Dan wished for nothing more than for Phil to put the clothes down. To talk to him.

“What can I say?” Phil said. “I’m not a good father, so what do I know?”

The words hit Dan like a freight train and he understood. He knew the line had been crossed and there was no easy way to come back from it.

Phil was shuffling down the stairs, Dan trailing him.

“Phil, don’t,” he said.

“Really, Phil, stop.”

Phil’s hand turned the knob.

“Fucking, really Phil,” and the door slammed in Dan’s face.

“Fine then! Go!” Dan waited to hear the door knob turn again, but instead he heard Phil’s pounding footsteps and the wheels of his truck fading into the distance. 

Dan turned his back to the door, and slunk into a puddle on the floor, head in his hands and sobbing.

Just before 8 o’clock, Louise rang and Dan buzzed her in. Phil was still gone, and Dan had no idea what he was going to say to Emmy.

Louise brought Emmy inside and she ran to Dan and quickly grasped onto his leg. He bent down to grab her and brought her up to his level. He smiled widely at her, overcompensating. He brought her in tightly for a hug.

Behind her head, Louise gave Dan a knowing look. He shook his head at her. The air in the room was thick with the question.

“Where’s Daddy?” Emmy asked happily.

“Daddy’s gone to visit Grandma and Grandpa Lester for a bit. But he told me to tell you he loves you so much and to give you a kiss from him!” Emmy puckered her lips like a fish and Dan kissed them, sending her into a fit of giggles. He bounced her a few times before setting her down. “Almost bed time, sweetie. Play for now while I talk to Aunt Louise.”

“Anything?” she asked, glancing at the young girl behind Dan, worried what this all means for her.

“Not a word,” Dan said. He began to wring his hands nervously. Louise pulled him into a hug.

“He’ll come back,” she whispered to him. She backed away and nodded at him. “I’m going to head out so you can put her to sleep, and call Phil, okay?” She said the last part cheerily, to keep up appearances for Emmy.

Is this what their future would be like?

Emmy had fallen asleep two hours ago, and Dan still hadn’t called Phil. What could he say? That he was sorry? That he was a jackass? That everything would work out, he just knew it? How could he tell Phil that things would work out when he felt like they were all falling apart?

Dan put on Spotify low over the speakers in the bedroom. He wanted the music to distract him as much as it could. Of course, the universe was not so kind. When the universe wants something, it makes it happen. That’s what it felt like when the first song began to play. A beautiful acoustic riff drifted into the room.

When the world gets too heavy put it on my back,

I’ll be your levy. You are taking me apart,

like bad glue on a get well card.

Dan was crying again already.

It was always you falling for me,

now there’s always time, calling for me.

I’m the light blinking at the end of the road.

Blink back to let me know.

Dan laid down on his bed. It felt empty without the weight of his husband on the opposite side. He let his tears drip down the sides of his cheeks as the music washed over him.

Oh the castle’s under siege,

but the sign outside says “Leave me alone”.

Dan heard the patter of little feet outside his door, and the thought of it threw him into sobs.

Blink back to let me know. (It was always you.)

Blink back to let me know. (It was always you.)

The door creaked open slowly, and there she was. He couldn’t hide from her this time. Emmy ran in and climbed up into the bed.

“I miss Daddy too,” she said. She hugged her dad and rubbed his arm.

Dan cried harder and gently brushed her hair from her face. He patted her head.

“Let’s call him,” Dan said. He reached for his phone and dialed. Each each ring the knot in his chest grew tighter, unsure of what he would say. It was late now. Would Phil even pick up?

Phil’s voice came across the voice mail, in a cheerful tone that spread warmth to Dan’s heart while also mocking him.

“Phil, Emmy needs you tonight.” He sniffled. “I really need you tonight.” His voice broke and he began choking back tears through the phone. He hung up. Dan laid down again in the bed and pulled Emmy close to his chest.

“Let’s go back to sleep, honey.” Dan forced a smile. “We’ll see Daddy again soon.”

Dan woke to the rustle of the covers as Phil climbed in behind him. He rolled over gently, so as not to wake Emmy.

“Phil?” he whispered.

“Yeah?” Phil said.

“I’m so sorry.”

“I know Dan, me too.” He pulled his shirt over his head and crawled in further underneath the blankets, facing his husband.

“We don’t have to quit YouTube, I was overreacting,” Dan said as he curled into Phil’s chest.

“You were scared and confused. I should have understood where you were coming from before. We really should do our best to protect her,” Phil said as he wrapped his hand around Dan’s side. Dan nodded his head.

“But it’s been done before. She can live happily with us doing our jobs too,” Dan reminded him, still half to encourage himself.

“Tomorrow we’ll do more research on how best to go about raising a child in the spotlight like this,” Phil said. Dan nodded again, feeling a lot better now they had a plan. Silence fell over the bedroom as they drifted towards sleep in each others’ arms. Just before Phil fell asleep he heard-

“Phil?”

“Hmmm?”

“I love you. Always.”


End file.
